hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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