Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
