dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
