You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
