So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
