Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
