so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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