just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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