Pappa wants mamma naked
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
