I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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