There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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