i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
