Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
