halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize