I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
