Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
