Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize