My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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