Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
