Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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