sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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