i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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