i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
In America we eat man semen.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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