When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
