My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
