You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize