youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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