Your face is a jimmy john
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
