I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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