I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
