When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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