Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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