3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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