Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
