I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
