Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
