And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
