Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
