I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Houston, we have a squirter
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
