maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
