Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
