We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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