Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
