Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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