I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
