Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
