Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
