There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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