this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
