I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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