Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
