god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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