Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
