I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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