You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
