I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
