Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
