so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
