If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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