We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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