She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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