you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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