he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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