yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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