New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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