I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
