Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
