I faked an abortion last night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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