My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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