the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
